How to stop your mother-in-law from bugging you about having babies.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

1. Make her watch Rosemary’s Baby with you while eating lunch.
2. Tell her fat people look permanently pregnant.
3. Show her photoshopped pictures mixing you and your husband’s faces (That was our Halloween trick - THE HORROR!)
4. Pretend to have Turette's.

This and more, available on “A guide to visiting in-laws in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.” Comes replete with mushroom-picking-is-more-fun-that-eating-bananas, fondling dead boars, and the retarded niece who lives with her boyfriend, who lives with his parents, who live in a hole in a pile of dirt, along with their other daughter, who lives with her boyfriend. I think they spent three hours talking about driving trucks. I fled to my room to read James Joyce… JAMES FUCKING JOYCE, fer christ’s sakes!

Actually, it's useless to pretend to have Turette's when all your swearwords are in english and the inlaws know only one word in english - "OK".

I then dared the husband to ask his mother for more "tongue."*
-Mom, can I have more tongue?
-Why yes, my dear son. You can have all the tongue you want.

*(That lovely french dish where they boil tongue and serve it in vinegar and bechamel.)