The ABCs of my life

Thursday, July 21, 2005

This stems from a conversation I was having with Shelton a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about a mutual friend, over gigantic smoothies at the Easy Cafe, and the following was said (mostly made up from what I can remember but you must trust my artistic instinct on this):

me, Shelton

-Yeah I just saw B a couple of weeks ago. He was fine... but kind of strange.
-B can be strange. I think he's been strange for a long time, but now that he's getting older, he's getting stranger.
-Actually, I remember, during the Orange Pop days, he was weird, but in kind of a cute way. Now, I think it's getting creepy.

(pause to sip)

-I just noticed, that when he was talking to Max, he couldn't shut up. Like, people were getting that uncomfortable look on their faces and he just kept smiling and going on.
-Yeah, B really likes to hear himself speak. But he's not that different from his dad.
-His dad? Oh yeah... A. A's permanently strange. Do you remember when he gave me that pink jumpsuit for my birthday?
-The MC Hammer one? Yeah, that rocked. That was a good gift.
-Apparently now A is always at Vaseline, running around completely naked.
-I think there's always naked people at Vaseline.
-Yeah, but he has such a naked thing. I remember B telling me that it wasn't uncommon for him, growing up, to see A walking around the house completely stark naked.
-and how one time he did nude modelling and he didn't understand why the girls all left when he pulled his buttcheeks apart.

(more sipping... slodging of slushies)

-What's the matter Shelton. You look like you're thinking something yucky.
-Just thinking about C.
-Oh, sorry. That's really too bad.
-Well, C just told me she dumped me because I wasn't organized enough. She also said she thought I was gay.
-I don't think you're gay, but you're really disorganized.
-But I want to be more organized. It's just...
-Well, you're like that.
-But people change!
-Yes, people change... but sometimes, there are people who have permanent passports on the weirdo island.
-Ok, follow me on this cause it's complicated. So there's this island, and it's full of weirdos. Most people are born on the island, very few people are born on the mainland. Because of this, they've developed a ferry system. Now, at some point, usually in your early to middle twenties, you take this ferry to the mainland and become one of the normals.
-That's nuts. But why do people want to go to the mainland so bad?
-Because, on the mainland is all that stuff you like, cable TV, giant house, central air-conditioning, expensive restaurants... but you gotta get on the ferry to the mainland if you want that because there are no weirdos allowed.
-And who are the weirdos?
-The weirdos are like people like A and B. That family has a permanent house on the island. You could even say their natives. So, while you're waiting for your ticket to get on that ferry, and C, who was supposed to help you get the ticket jumps on the boat with someone else, A and B are somewhere, on the island, jumping around naked with grass skirts and painted red faces.
-Right... but I want to get on the ferry. How do I get a ticket for the ferry?
-You can't. You can't Shelton. Nobody gets on the ferry because they want to. That's the secret of the ferry. There are some things, exceptions, that can make an native islander transform into a mainlander. But, in the end, you just gott know deep down, whether you're an islander or a mainlander, and live with it. I've been on the island for years, and though I pretend to mainland fashion, every now and then, I know I'm on the island for good.
-You wear a grass skirt and a red painted face?
-Nope. That's reserved for A and B. I'm building a submarine out of mud and grass.
-That's cool! What's it for? Can I help?
-It's for exploring what's out there, besides the mainland and island. But, I think I may have a problem.
-What's that?
-Mud dissolves in water.