Monday, March 07, 2005

have just had life-like dream, and have woken up empty and lonely, and slightly terrified, the way I did for months after he broke up with me… it is the mean reds.


It is the end of school, the beginning of summer. We are in some suburban town, near the city core, but empty. I walk through the school, with it’s giant hallways, and somewhere, before the end, near a white draped installation, Yuri, my ex, gives me a letter, and then he walks away. There are people all around, international young artists. I open the letter. Inside, from the first couple of words I know what this is about. He is breaking up with me, all over again. I cannot bear it. I turn, and rip the letter quickly and set it to flames. The letter is actually written in a wedding card. At the bottom, before the flames lick it clean, is his phone number, which I fail to memorize.

I go back to my apartment, which is almost empty now, everyone having left for other places. Only another man, someone who looks like Greg Kinnear, someone who looks like Mathieu Amalric, stands there, shirtless, in front of his computer, near my bed, looking at something and discussing. He asks me if I want to follow him.

I follow him to a movie/fashion video shoot where hundreds upon hundreds of cool fashionable kids are milling about. The camera passes just before us. I hear voices of people I have known. Then, the camera passes again… They need four or five takes before it is done. Then, there is a great push. I am pushed backwards violently. I crawl over someone to take a look, and inside the crowd is a square, where seven men are in a row, seven Chicano-ish/Japanese-ish men with bandanas, the movie directors, raise their arms. Somehow I am clapping with everyone, though I am horrified.

I am in just a blue towel, wrapped around my body, and us the crowd lets me down, it comes undone. I pull it back up, but I have lost this Greg Kinnear guy. As I jump down, into the open square a woman calls my name. I turn, and it is a tall angelic blond boy with a rugged brushy beard, in a black dress and a woman's voice, beckoning me forward with a sympathetic smile. We climb up the stairs, because the movie shoot was in a giant square surrounded by apartment buildings. At the top of the stairs, with people milling everywhere, he says he has to go.

I am plagued with loneliness… eating desperate loneliness. I hold onto his arm and beg him not to go… then suddenly go limp and say that a friend lives up the street and that I will be ok… I am lying.

I walk back home. I would like to phone Yuri, as I walk by the pine furniture, but I have burned his card. I think of phoning his mother, and finding out his new number, but the clock reads quarter to midnight. I try to close my eyes, but I'm too sad to fall asleep.

In the hallway is the Mathieu Amalric/Kinnear guy, and he is tearing up sheets, naked. He says, he has to work on something but first he must help the cleaning lady. However, he has spread paint all over the floor. I look at him, possibly my new lover, possibly not, now convinced that there is no hope and that I am unloved, by everyone. I bend my face down to cry, in the hopes that he will come over. But he continues to tear the sheets, and talks about the future of the fashion industry.

I wake up.