BUSH vs. KERRY: a question of facial hair

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Well, as a preamble to the next installment of moustache mania, I’ve decided to try a little experiment. Can we predict the next president based on moustache power? I believe it’s possible.

Both candidates for the American presidency are men with thin upper lips, the prime candidates for a lovely fluffy moustache. However, while Kerry’s upper lip is a lot smaller than his humoungous jaw, Bush looks like he’s well within the Golden Mean for Moustache Madness.

Surprisingly, if Bush were to port a moustache, he would look remarkable similar to Saddam. Both of them are men with a certain pressed thin lipped smile, that benefits from a virile bushy moustache. The only caveat: we’re not sure if Bush would go for the Saddam snot brush, or something more Hitleresque. Anyways, I have to say that Bush’s face takes well to a moustache, and might even be a face that we can say is lacking a moustache.

Kerry. He has a problem and it’s that his face is naturally quite ugly. Yes, it’s sad to say, but nobody wants an ugly leader. After all, if we imagine why Tony Blair could win, we could only say that it’s because he ressembles some kind of leprechaun or doorstep elf. He’s not glamourous, but he’s not the boiled bread face of Major, or scary cheese-head Thatcher. Blair got elected because he most ressembles, in visage, something human.

Anyways, Kerry. God almighty he’s so butt ugly! His face is too long, he has helmet hair, and his jaw is almost Frankensteinish. What to do about it? Well, I tried the moustache on him, but I think it only emphasizes his oversize jaw. However, it tends to lend a certain French Canadian appeal. That could be useful…with biker chicks!

So, no moustache for Kerry…

So, to no great surprise, Bush wins again. This guy will storm the elections. I predict a 75-25 win.

However, the odds could change if Kerry changes his haircut.

Side note: We can see from the picture above that Bill really missed out in not grooming a moustache. He’s so sleazy hot that he could have had run his own brothel, instead of his ill-fated cigar encounter with Ms. Lewinsky. Holy Rhett Butler!