Free Lobotomy Test at the local McDonald's

Thursday, September 15, 2005

You know that Simpsons episode where Lisa asks Bart to stick his finger in the electrical socket, and he does this repeatedly, each time getting a large-sized shock. Sometimes, normal people really do behave like they’ve been lobotomised.

I think of this everytime I drink, smoke, take drugs, get a job, or eat at McDonald’s. I feel lobotomised. The immediate thrill is always outweighed by the pain sometime later. Of course, by the time the decision presents itself again, I’m ready to stick my finger in the socket.

I knew it when we were ordering, and I couldn’t order in French and warbled in my native tongue: cave-girl talk. The girl asked me if I wanted Big Potatoes five times. I had no idea what the hell that was. “Don’t they make the fries with the Big Potatoes,” Voin offered helpfully. I followed this up with a “Big Big Big Potatoes.” The servers started cackling at us, all J-Lo hood style, in Spanish, “those stupid wastoids over there, I bet they don’t even know to eat before smoking.” Fucking right sistah!

Then, once we got all our food, and I was handed five packets of ketchup, we walked to the stairs going up, but in juggling his man bag, cellphone and tray at the same time, Voin’s juice came a tumbling down. We turned around and there were already two managers staring at us. Luckily one dispatched an underpaid underling to wipe up our mess. Then we realized the stairs were closed after walking into the boundary.

This is so lame… I mean, McDonald’s, for fuck’s sakes. The burgers were tepid and rubbery, the meal stale… I hulked down to finish what I could but it was like the stupid GHB incident, where we knew we were getting into a bad thing but just couldn’t stop ourselves. Except, this time there were no midgets dancing on chairs.

Finally, at Point FMR, smoking again to push away the pain, I realized that every month, Voin and I make some ill-advised trip to McDo-land. And every month, it sucks.